I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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