Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
