dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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