so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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