At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
