85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
