In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
