More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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