Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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