Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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