In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
