I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Still dying that you shit outside
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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