Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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