ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
