Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
