So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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