I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
