I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
