there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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