Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
