Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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