It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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