I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
