Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
