Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I want her autograph on my taint
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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