Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
