I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
