last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
