4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
