I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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