rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Randomize
