he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Randomize
