Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I didn't notice because vodka
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
