we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
