How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
