o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
The dick lei will go down in squad history
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
