I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
