don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Randomize
