got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize