i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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