its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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