Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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