i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
