I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He did a backflip because drugs
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