Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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