your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
