listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
