I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
