What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
