Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
