She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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