It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
