did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
