Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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