His pubic hair was longer than his dick
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I need to calm my uterus...
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
