Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
