The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I met the friendliest cop last night
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
